To the Good Ship Access to Work

By Anonymous

Feb 2026

Anonymous is writing to Access to Work. The process of expressing these words serves as a relief and they become gradually clearer and better as the piece continues.

All names have been changed.

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Anonymous:

During the call. I have to prove how mental I am. But not seem too mental because I know that is alienating and risks being thought of as being seen as ‘dramatic’ and ‘difficult’ and that you Kate with the nice Leeds accent are the one who makes the decisions so I can’t make you angry.. And that, that makes other people angry. And that if I’m too mental then the woman on the end of the phone with the northern voice will think that I need to be sectioned or something. And that I’m not doing enough for myself. Because I’m not enough.

She wants to ‘understand a bit more about my illness’.

It’s difficult, when you feel like you are on fire, in a situation that is directly threatening to your existence to discuss ‘in a reasonable tone so you don’t seem too mental’ why and how you are mental and how your mentalness impacts your ability to work. Especially when you haven’t largely experienced these things too much for the past three years because things have been going rather well so you feel supported and connected and the work is going really rather well and you are tired of course but the work is going in the direction you want it to be going in. So you have to cast your mind back to ‘the good old days’.

I know I have to remember to say how and why I am mental and how this impacts my ability to work. But I have to say what ‘reasonable adjustments’ I have taken for myself. So that I’m not worryingly mental enough to warrant psychiatric help because the DWP don’t want me to die on their watch. And they do want me to work. But in a way that feels right for them and safe for them. And of course is Best Value for The Taxpayer.

Of which I am one.

I think I make this woman feel uncomfortable. At least I’m predicting i do in my magic

She wants to know if I have done any therapy.

Here’s where I have to prove myself.

Here’s my credentials. What I do for myself. To keep well. To keep ‘in work’:

4 support groups weekly.

An action buddy to share work actions daily.

4 peer support mentors.

Daily meditation.

Medication.

Walks. Yoga exercises.

Breathing exercises.

I hate exercises.

Therapy for years and years and years.

Self funded. NHS funded.

Psycho dynamic psycho therapy. Cognitive behavioural therapy. Person centered therapy. Counselling. Couples therapy. Psychotherapy. Mentalisation based therapy. Drama therapy. Cognitive analytical group therapy for three years.

DBT exercises.

I hate exercises.

Have I done enough? To prove to you DWP that I do enough on a daily basis to maintain my mental health enough to show that I am taking responsibility but that I am not too mental to be sectioned. So like, I can still work and contribute and be a taxpayer. Not a scrounger. Or someone with ‘anxiety’ which you aren’t quite sure is real cause you know, everyone has anxiety these days and we are all neurodivergent and why are there so many ADHD diagnoses?

Maybe the system isn’t working.

I’m exhausted.

So I try to describe my illness but that feels retraumatising.

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On my worst days I want to walk into the sea. I lie in the dark wanting and waiting for it to pass. I lose hours and days to the waves of nonsense between my ears.

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STICK TO THE FACTS

The most useful thing my ex ever said to me was ‘stick to the facts’.

With a brain that can spin off into surreality at a moment’s notice, it is important for me, to me, to ground myself here.

To remember that this is not my fault. That I am not bad and wrong. That I and my business deserve support.

We are worthy of support.

– I have BPD, anxiety and depression

– I am neurodivergent

– I have had support for the past 3 years

– It has meant that I am able to do the work I love – which is going well. I work a lot because it is my love

– I have two support workers who provide the scaffolding for me to continue working well, ensuring that I am not ‘borrowing from tomorrow’ in terms of my energy, health, wellness and the ongoing success of my business

– I have tried many tech solutions and have found them to exacerbate my condition

– I have been referred to the hospital for scans for a feeling of ‘pressure in my head’ which has surfaced since the renewal date approached and has gotten progressively worse

– This renewal process is causing me health difficulties and exacerbating my condition

– I am exhausted from this situation

– My support was cut by 100% just before Christmas

– The caseworker didn’t discuss this with me or my team or give a valid reason why

– An MP intervened and I received an official apology as AtW hadn’t followed their own processes

– In their formal apology they committed to making a new assessment and following their processes

– I am without support since Jan 31st and losing work, money, time and opportunities

– I am being told I have to go for a workplace assessment

– I cannot trust myself to say anything of value under the pressure of meeting my case worker Kate or a workplace assessor – these situations are terrifying to me

– This causes me pain and exacerbates my condition

– My condition is not my fault, it is my responsibility and I take that on wholeheartedly

– I am chronically ill. Despite my best efforts i cannot ‘un-ill’ myself

– My condition is disabling

– Articulating my needs under pressure is difficult because of my disability, overwhelm, memory lapse

– The first day I could apply for the renewal of my grant was 30th October, which, with the aid of Decode, I did

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– My grant ended on 31st Jan 2026

– I am without support since Jan 31st and losing work, money, time and opportunities

magnifying mind which makes everything awful.